The Further (Mis)Adventures of Princess Thumperhead started as a "post by email" that I wrote in college. When I moved away from school, the story widened and took on a different role for me, hence the Jester's Chronicles. Quite some time has past now and I find that I am returning to telling this weird little story, or The Trials. I suggest starting from the beginning. Some characters have been around that long...In April 2012, this story will turn 15. ....and Thanks for reading.
Wednesday, February 25, 1998
This issue of the Jester's Chronicles was provided by Ar' D. Jazan, for your entertainment.
While the Jester was in the witnessing the horrors occurring in Edwardoland, strange things were occurring in the city-state of Gothex. Rumors began of a strange beast roaming the countryside and mutilating cattle. Upon hearing these tales, most of the residents of Gothex merely crossed themselves and muttered that with rumors of plague wizards to the south, monsters were only to be expected.
However for Gef’Rey the Pious, these vague rumors only strengthened his desire to find the truth of the matter. Traveling from tavern to tavern, Gef’Rey gathered all of the information about the beast that he could. It seemed to come out only at night. Though it walked like a man, it had a strange loping gate. It’s face was similar to an ape, but with strange bone-like protrusions on its chin, eyebrows, nose, and tongue.
Most disturbingly of all, Gef’Rey learned the creature had abducted a serving wench from the Happy Harlot tavern mere minutes before he arrived. Horrified that the creature had apparently acquired a taste for human flesh, Gef’Rey at once departed for the unseen library.
After relating his tale to Tintar and Ar’ D. Jazan, the three decided to go on a quest to free the fair maid from the foul beast. For Gef’Rey it was a matter of curiosity, for Ar’ D. Jazan it was his youthful oath to always help a maiden in trouble, and of course for Tintar it was a belief that this tale of bravery would aid him in the bedding of other serving wenches.
Tintar insisted that before the quest they visit the unseen armory, deep beneath the library. Once there, Tintar armed himself with a Japanese katana, a curved short sword from Tibet, a dagger suitable for throwing, and a Gurka Kuri. As was their custom, Gef’Rey and Ar’ D. Jazan went unarmed.
The three scoured the countryside looking for the beast. Upon sighting the creature, it immediately fled. The three gave chase, and after many long hours Tintar cornered it. Using each of his weapons in turn, he injured the beast, while Gef’Rey and Ar’ D. Jazan stood back (as would any wise man while Tintar was brandishing a weapon).
As Tintar prepared to deal the killing blow, suddenly a wood nymph leapt forth begging for mercy. Gef'Rey and Ar’ D. Jazan restrained Tintar to allow the Nymph to tell her tale. Apparently this saurid creature was her mate. Normally, they stayed far away from the Gothex, but she had been curious and assumed the guise of a human serving wench to avoid detection. However, she had been gone too long and her mate had been impatient. He began to search for her, but unable to converse as a normal man he terrified whoever he encountered.
Feeling pity on the beast, Gef’Rey and Ar’ D. Jazan left. Tintar decided to let the beast live. But not before hamstringing it to prevent it from nearing the city again. The wood nymph howled a curse at Tintar for his actions, but the librarian merely laughed, for what power would the magic of a woman have over one as manly as he?
Thursday, February 19, 1998
The rains beat down on Governor Errien as he stood on a balcony surveying the reports that his spies brought in. It was true that Saing's troops stood on his borders, but he had just won this State and he wasn't about to lose it to some Undead General. Packs of dogs occasionally ravaged his villages, but they were not organized attacks. Today one of the packs were rampaging through one of the small villas that surrounded his wall. Summoning his long bow, Errien put arrow after arrow into the pack leader until it was dead. He was unsatisfied though, he had put two arrows in the dogs hind legs, then one in it lower back, crippling it, and then one through its left eye. He ordered for any dogs found in his domain to be exterminated, a reward for every dog's skull brought before him.
Duhnk, in the mean time, was trying to understand a visiting noble woman's cultural rites of self-gratification. It was a difficult concept of purification, prayer, and guilt. Whereas in Boones...when in Boones do as the Nobles do...
Vague rumors of Nobles naked and running amuck in the corridors coursed among the servants.
Dar Benedict played with his daughter, as any good father should, reminding himself that this mat be the last few months for him in Boones. His deal would most likely leave him dead or on the run, but he'd have his daughter...
JJ the Red, has kept up affairs on his end. He was proposed to by a charming court entertainer, rumors have it that she was a favorite of the governor's, before her engagement. JJ had no comment on the matter.
While concealed away in Boones, a trusted runner brought a message to the hands of the Jester. As he turned it over in his hands, he saw the seal of Edwardoland and realized that it was the late Princess. As he read over it, he wept. There, in flowing script and dried tears the Princess rescinded her exile notice and pleaded for the Jester to return to her court. Distraught, the Jester fled Boones and headed for council with Lady/Queen 'deGuile. Upon arrival, the Lady summoned the Jester to her and queried him on the condition of Boones and Saing's army. After a few hours of dry discussion, it turned to the tragic days of Edwardoland. She said that she wished that Gef’Rey the Pious had only arrived sooner, she may have prevented some of the nightmares that occurred. The Jester asked what Kindle had sent and if he could see it. Handed the appropriate scroll from seemingly nowhere, the Jester expected to look at it and see the scribbles from before. Much to his surprise, he was able to read, plain as day, with the enchantments
removed, the following:
"Lady of Shadows,
Beware the wandering fool,
His loyalties are not as they seem,
His truths are the torch to the pyre of chaos.
He does not with malice do,
The acts of pain are not directed.
His hand married to a ghost do haunt,
The living will burn and run.
The undoing will begin with the birth of one,
True of heart, and clear of mind.
Only then will the locusts fly from our lands.
Move your agents and bring shadow forth to shroud and cloak our pawns,
only then are we assured.
This was all still a riddle to the Jester, but he felt lighter of heart and returned to Gothex, and the chaos that had occurred in his absence.
**Meanwhile in Boones, a young woman by the name of Lynn de 'Hor began a quest of her own...
Tuesday, February 10, 1998
The Jester's summons did not imply a death sentence, since he had aided Saing in deposing a minor duke some years back, in his youth. Saing was a gaunt man, who rested like a wraith on a throne. His taught visage seemed to age the Jester, by simply being in proximity to the man. The meeting was brief, just a few questions about his former charges, the Royal Family, and the Jester was on his way. As he left, he saw two hooded figures half concealed by the shadows of the court, whispering and chanting to themselves. Ah...thought the Jester, the fabled Plague Wizards, rumored to be brothers. With those thoughts barely crossing his mind, the Jester thought it wise to depart before his thoughts were revealed to those two, they had a habit of flaying their enemies with
seashells and hot coals.
Soon after his meeting with Saing, the Jester made his way to the Unseen Library and the company of Ar' D. Jazan and Gef’Rey the Pious. He inquired about the Plague Wizards, and was rewarded with disturbing tales of carnage and unholy alliances that kept them alive, so to speak. With this news, the Jester issued a messenger to Kindle for guidance. While the Jester's search for knowledge was taking place, a large force of creatures alive and unholy, marched on the Castles on Edwardoland and Effingleer. Baron Saing saw weakness as opportunity and there was a lot of opportunity south of Gothex, if his sources were to be believed. He first rolled over Springville laying waste to all that he surveyed. It was at this time that Minister Brand was inspecting the damage caused to Springville in the war against Effingleer. He fled upon the sight of the approaching army and was only an hour ahead of them as he arrived in Boones. The news of a force that size having slipped past so many informants terrified Governor Errien, and threw the Ministers into turmoil as to how best to deal with this army. Riders came in every
minute or two reporting that Baron Saing was massacring townspeople by the hundreds and butchering soldiers that had fled the battleground. Just as it seemed that the City would have to mobilize their forces, the advancing army stopped. They encircled the Princess' castle and demanded her surrender.
It seems that Princess Thumper Head was too enraged to have heard the edict, because she had returned to her chambers to find Lady Prim, Lady Vase, and Empress Prop 'Hor had all taken up with her consorts, a virtual orgy had been in progress as she walked through the chamber door. As the fight raged on inside the castle, the siege weapons slowly battered their way through the walls of the castle.
Rumors made their way back to Boones that the castle was in ruins. Reports also held that the Nobles had their flesh ripped from their bones as hundreds of dogs set upon them in packs. No one could identify any of them. The Ministers held a moment of silence that was rudely interrupted by a runner baring a message for the Governor. Upon reading the scroll, he ordered Dar Benedict to submit to the camp of Baron Saing. The scroll held the image of Dane Benedict and an order for Dar to surrender himself. As Benedict approached the encampment, he noted literally hundreds of thousands of troops sitting on Boones' north and western ridges. It was a bleak day for Boones. As he approached, the guards shackled him and then lead him to audience with Saing. Sitting on Saing's lap was his daughter, Dane Benedict. But before Benedict could leave with his daughter, he had to agree to do a favor for the Baron.
With Dar and his daughter safely returned to his Villa, he set about putting his plan into action. It may take many weeks or months, but he has his daughter back and that is worth it.